My parents came to visit last weekend. It was lovely. I had a really good time, I got to show them all of my favorite parts of town and find some new favorites. We talked and ate and had some ice cream and ate and took a little walk and ate. Really, it was a good good time. Except that it was punctuated with the statement “Bye Mom and Dad! I’ll see you again in an hour or two, right after I go and cook this lady’s placenta!” Which is after all a very strange thing to say to your parents.
Placenta encapsulation is a magical, mystical art that is only practiced on the 3rd full moon of the month in a field of dewy grass with a bubbling cauldron. You know, real witch stuff (not like me – I’m just your normal everyday Pagan and a wannabe witch). Except that it’s not at all. It’s incredibly ordinary and really a good deal of fun (except for the frequent changing of the gloves). It goes something like this:
Hello! My name is k. emvee and I’m here today to encapsulate your placenta. No no, you don’t have you to get up. Your new baby is lovely, by the way. Very sweet. I’ll just clear myself a nice little spot in your kitchen. Do you mind if I turn on the fan? And open the back door? Placenta can have a very strong smell. Your placenta’s in the fridge, right? Yes, I’ll be able to find it just fine. Yes, I know what it looks like.
Pull out the steamer pot and put in the magic ingredients (water, lemon, ginger, and chili pepper). Wash the blood off of the placenta. Cut away the cord and the membranes. Quarter the placenta and then steam it until it’s done. Be very careful not to make blood splatters anywhere. Quickly clean up any that happen accidentally. Change your gloves a bajillion times to make sure you aren’t touching essence of placenta to anything that it shouldn’t touch. Make awkward small talk with the new parents, or the new grandparents, or the new 4 year-old big sister. Or don’t.
Remove said placenta from the steamer. Slice it into really thin slices. No, thinner than that even! Put it in a bag to take home with you. Clean everything in sight. Twice. Tell the parents their baby really is truly adorable, and leave. Go home and put the placenta slices in a dehydrator and wait. And wait and wait and wait.
Run to the store and buy size 00 or 000 empty capsules. It has to be a crunchy natural foods store or you might not find it. Plan on using more than 100 capsules for the placenta.
Do this next part outside if at all humanly possible. When it’s dry, take out the placenta slices and grind them up in a coffee grinder. Well, since you only use it for placenta maybe we’ll call it a placenta grinder (Can’t you see it now at a fancy cooking store? “Excuse me sir, but do you sell placenta grinders?”). So grind the placenta up in the placenta grinder until it’s really itty bitty. Open up the cap carefully and do not inhale the placenta (it goes up in a cloud like cinnamon or flour does!). Pack into tiny capsules. If you are lucky, you have one of those fancy Cap M Quick machines. If you’re really lucky you have the tamper accessory. Put the placenta in the pills. Wash rinse, and repeat. This part takes a long time and if you’re not careful, you’ll start constructing elaborate fantasies about how your neighbors must think you’re packing up some pretty interesting illicit drugs in the back yard. Or not. That last part depends on how creative your imagination is.
Deliver said placenta pills to the rightful owner! Smile big. Feel accomplished, you just did a whole lot of work! Life is good. Now return to your regularly scheduled program and make sure to get to brunch with your parents on time!